December 2004     “Was the teacher acting “Glasserlike” or not? 

A Reality Therapy Certified teacher (working in a school where the majority of teachers have had Glasser training) wrote to me about a faculty discussion:  Yesterday I said something to a group that they challenged.  I was describing a confrontation with a teammate.  I called her on the fact that she did not do what she agreed to do.  They said that telling her that I felt let down was not "very Glasser".  I said I thought it was very "Glasser" because if I cared about the relationship I had to be honest about how I felt.

The question is, “Was the teacher acting “Glasserlike” or not? 

Bob’s Answer:

Being nice and avoiding problems may seem like the right thing to do, but how does an individual or system improve without understanding the problem and consequence for lack of follow through?

1.            If you can’t discuss problems openly and honestly, how will that help the relationship, the class, the school, etc.?

2.            Doesn’t Reality Therapy teach, “Don’t accept excuses”?

3.            If someone agreed to take care of a child and then didn’t, or allowed them to do "unsafe" things, are we supposed to allow irresponsible behavior?

The "deadly relationship habits," as outlined by Dr. Glasser, are not labels and weapons.  They are behaviors to avoid using TOO MUCH! Friendships do not end over honest communication if the relationship is valued.  It is the continual use of destructive behaviors that SLOWLY wear down relationships.

W. Edwards Deming worked with improving quality and efficiency in corporations.  Would he have told a Ford worker, "You don't feel like putting on the door today?  That's o.k. because we want a joyful working environment and we wouldn't want to coerce you?"   What about the impact this individual's behavior has on the rest of the workers?

I believe that we would serve our customers/students/colleagues better if we balanced the emphasis on relationships with a focus on the system problems that will help us all do better in our jobs.  Understanding and eliminating system problems will help us all to relate professionally.  We use the deadly habits when we don’t know what is expected, don’t have all of the knowledge and skills that we need, etc….follow my Assessing and Planning Change Diagram www.bobhoglund.com/assess.htm and you can insert the rest.      

• Relationships alone won’t change systems and don’t bring up test scores. When I taught Special Education, I had great relationships with some Learning Disabled Students, but no matter how well we got along, they could never grasp math!  We must be careful not to back into Stimulus-Response with our own language.  If we can just create the right relationship (Stimulus), the person will behave the way we want (Response).  People who do not know Choice Theory™ do not find us credible when we over-emphasize the relationship issue.   We lose people when there is too much focus in workshops on "internalizing" Choice Theory™.  When I go to a workshop, I don’t want to relate with everyone.  I’m there to learn what the presenter knows that I don’t.  Activities are great, they can serve to enhance learning, but relating personal issues to a group of strangers or working to know more about someone who I may never see again, makes little sense in the context of my educational development.   For these reasons, I make my activities content based, Cooperative Learning Jig-saws or Cooperative Learning/Class Meetings.  The only personal questions I ask are:

“What factors influenced your decision to become an educator/manager, etc. and/or

“What qualities do you see in others that you would like to develop more fully in yourself?”

We must be practical in our use of the skills that we learn through Reality Therapy and Control Theory.  The test of concepts comes in the application.  People are looking for practical steps that can lead them to a more effective life.  

As a professional, it is my responsibility to teach, to give direction and point out inconsistencies, otherwise, of what value would my services be?

Bob Hoglund

November     A friend of mine e-mailed me to ask about a situation...

School Counselor:  A boy was referred to me because every day at recess he ends up hurting someone else. When asked about it, he says it is an accident.  In this particular incident, he was referred to me specifically because he tripped someone while playing soccer.  He said he “slipped”.  He also says he does not “grab” people, it’s just an accident. He sits in detention now because of the problems.  The real concern is that he won’t accept any responsibility for the actions.

Bob’s Answer:  Sometimes in our efforts to teach responsibility, we go for the confession.  Contrary to what we have all been taught, it isn’t necessary.  Whether the student verbally accepts responsibility or not, the questions we ask, are answered in his head.  Also, he knows that if he admits he has some control of his behavior, the adults in the school will probably use it against him next time he’s in some kind of trouble.  Focusing on the consequence of not getting what he wants is more effective than getting him to admit responsibility.

So, don’t argue the responsibility issue or accident claim, just ask one, or a few of these questions:

·         “If you can’t control the ‘accidents’ will you ever be able to go to recess with the rest of the class?”

·         “Can you go to recess when you have “accidents”?

·         “Does sitting in detention help you have friends?”   

·         “Does sitting in detention give you the fun you have playing games?”

We are attempting to teach a “thought process” to those we work with.  My belief is that anyone that continues to answer these types of questions eventually makes progress.  R.T. is used at all ages. (I started my own children with the questions at about age 2.)  The process just takes a while and needs the consistency of the “evaluation questions”, such as those above.  Since you asked him about the ideal recess the question, “Does sitting in detention match your picture of an ideal recess?” will help him understand the ineffectiveness of his choices.   We know the answer, but he has to come to the realization, that’s why we ask what appear to be obvious questions.

Bob Hoglund

A man pulled into a gas station on the outskirts of town.  As he filled his tank, he remarked to the attendant, "I've just accepted a job in town.  I've never been to this part of the country.  What are people like here?"

"What are people like where you came from?" asked the attendant.

"Not so nice," the man replied.  "In fact, they can be quite rude."

The attendant shook his head.  "Well, I'm afraid you'll find the people in town to be the same way."

Just then another car pulled into the gas station.  "Excuse me," the driver called out.  "I'm just moving to this area.  Is it nice here?"

"Was it nice where you came from?" the attendant inquired.

"Oh yes! I came from a great place.  The people were friendly and I hated to leave."

"Well, you'll find the same to be true of this town."

"Thanks!" yelled the driver as he pulled away.

"So what is this town really like?" asked the first man, now irritated with the attendant's conflicting reports.

The attendant just shrugged his shoulders.  "It's all a matter of perception.  You'll find things to be just the way you think they are."

Being organized has less to do with the way an environment looks than how effectively it functions.  If a person can find what they need when they need it, feels unencumbered in achieving his or her goals, and is happy in his or her space, then that person is organized.

"Organizing is the process by which we create environments that enable us to live, work and relax exactly as we want to."

Julie Morgenstern: Organizing from the Inside Out

Lessons in Leadership     Strong Leaders Learn From Failure

Adapt a leader's surprising mindset to failure: Don't think about it! Things go wrong, of course, but when they do, leaders don't call it failure.  Typically, they describe what happened as a "mistake," "glitch," "bungle," "setback," "false start" anything, but not" a failure."

Avoiding obstacles. For example, when asked about the hardest deci­sion he ever made, Fletcher Byrom, the former president of Koppers Company (a diversified engineering, construction and chemicals company), gave a surprising answer: "I don't know what a hard decision is. Whenever I make a decision, I start out recognizing there's a strong likelihood I'm going to be wrong. All I can do is the best I can.  To worry puts obstacles in the way of clear thinking."

After DePaul University basketball coach Ray Meyer's team lost its first game after 29 straight Home court victories, he described how he felt about his loss. "Great!" was his unexpected comment. "Now we can start concentrating on winning, not on not losing."

Learning experience, another leader said: "If I have an art form of leadership, it is to make as many mistakes as quickly as I can in order to learn."

Because leaders don't view failure as something negative and irrevocable, they feel free to press on and try something new. They believe that something useful has been learned, although hopefully not at a high cost. In any case, they can now try something more likely to work.

- Adapted from Warren Bennis & Burt Nanus, Leaders (Harper & Row: NY)

Most of the "quality" approaches you've mentioned try to promote continual improvement, but they are very systematic.  They're sort of like, 'Hey, can you see if you can do your job a little better please?' Imagine a football coach whose whole game plan consisted of of yelling, 'Work harder! Play better! Good luck!' without telling you what to do or giving you the help you need to do it!"

Chowdhury: The Power of Six Sigma

Dr William Glasser identifies 7 Deadly Habits that destroy relationships.  These habits can be applied to "personal" relationships, work and social relationships and/or system problems.  Below are the habits and a quote for "Thought".

Blaming:              

"Find out what is wrong, rather than who is wrong."                W. Edwards Deming

Complaining:       

"Don't find fault, find remedy."                                              Henry Ford

Criticizing:            

 "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, and most fools do"               

                                                                                          Benjamin Franklin

Nagging:               

 "Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be,

  since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.              Thomas a' Kempis

Punishing:          

When you extinguish hope, you create desperation.                Abraham Lincoln

Rewarding/Punishing to Control:    

"People don't resist change. They resist being changed!"          Peter Senge
 

Threatening:       

"You do not lead by hitting people over the head — that's assault, not leadership."                                                                            Dwight D. Eisenhower

-----

Remember:

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."

Unconventional Leadership Approach

Here are two approaches to leader­ship that have served one senior manager very well:

1.  Think and act as if you work for your employees--not the other way around.  Words like "boss" and "direct report" or "subordinate" reinforce the idea that your employees work and support you. A more fruitful way to think about the relationship is that you should carry the support role.

Your support takes many forms. You have to ensure that employees have everything they need to do their jobs well - tools, resources and infor­mation. In addition, you should serve as a sounding board for new ideas, a facilitator to help get things done and a mentor skilled and willing to give advice and feedback.

To offer this kind of support and do it well, you have to work on yourself It's not easy. You must be approachable, open-minded, empathetic and skilled listener.

2.  Don't try to motivate people­ - focus on removing de-motivating conditions.  People want to work at do their best. Let them!

One way to do this is to spend time thinking about conditions that might de-motivate employees and remove them. You'll gain much more by eliminating de-motivating conditions than by creating new incentives, bonus and perks.

- Adapted from Jim O'Shea, NEPA Hotline

Pick Your Battles...

This sense of moral, emotional, and personal urgency accounts for their tenacity - and for much of their success. The common advice to "pick your battles" can be interpreted in two ways. The usual interpretation is to be careful about the challenges you take on; but another is to pick your battles - the ones you care about strongly and are likely to see through to the end.

Tenacity matters because quiet leaders often face uphill battles in which they have relatively little power. They often feel more like the bug than the windshield. In many cases, they are alone, iso­lated, and have to work hard and long to achieve what they believe is important. In short, their efforts resemble a long guerilla war rather than a glorious cavalry charge. This prospect discourages some people from acting or persevering, but not quiet leaders. As we have seen, they act because they care, and they care because strong motives - some altruistic, some self-regarding - impel them forward.

        Badaracco, Joseph L. Leading Quietly Boston: Harvard Business School Press 2002

"THERE ARE NO STEPS LEADING TO CUSTOMER SATISFACTION"

Required steps only prevent dissatisfaction. They cannot drive customer satisfaction.  In virtually every kind of business, customer satisfaction is paramount.

Level 1:  At the lowest level, customers expect accuracy. They expect the hotel to give them the room they reserved. They expect their bank statements to reflect their balance accurately. When they eat out, they expect the waiter to serve what they ordered. It doesn't matter how friendly the employees are, if the company consistently fails the accuracy test, then customers defect.

Level 2:  The next level is availability. Customers expect their preferred hotel chain to offer locations in a variety of different cities. They expect their bank to be open when they can use it and to employ enough tellers to keep the line moving. They expect their favorite restaurant to be nearby, to have adequate parking, and to have waiters who notice that distinctive "I need help now" look. Any company that makes itself more accessible will obviously increase the number of customers who are willing to give it a try. Hence the proliferation of drive through windows, ATM machines, and, more recently, Web sites.

Finally, and most significant, both of these expectations, even if met successfully, can only prevent customer dissatisfaction. If the utility company manages to send an accurate bill, customers don't sit back and smile in admiration. The accuracy is demanded and expected. They react only if their bill seems to reflect the gas usage of the entire apartment complex next door. Similarly, if the cable company actually agrees to an appointment that is convenient, customers don't start calling all their friends with glee. They simply sigh with relief at being spared one of life's inevitable frustrations.

The next two expectations complete the journey. They don't just prevent negative feelings of dissatisfaction. Rather, when met consistently, these expectations create positive feelings of satisfaction. They transform a fickle customer into your most vocal advocate.

Level 3:  At this level customers expect partnership. They want you to listen to them, to be responsive to them, to make them feel they are on the same side of the fence as you.

Service businesses have long realized the importance of this partnership expectation. That's why Wal-Mart positions hearty senior citizens at their front door to smile a welcome and remember names. That's why all airlines create loyalty clubs offering special treatment to frequent fliers. And that's presumably why video stores offer a "staff picks" section: 'We're like you. We watch videos, too."

But recently other businesses have zeroed in on the importance of looking at the world through the customers' eyes. For example, in the spirit of partnership, Levi's now offers you the chance to purchase made-to-order jeans. Furnished with your measurements, the retail store relays them to the manufacturing plant, which punches out a unique pair, for your size only.

Most businesses, whether in the service, manufacturing, or packaged goods sectors, now realize that a customer who feels understood is a step closer to real satisfaction and genuine advocacy.

Level 4: The most advanced level of customer expectation is advice. Customers feel the closest bond to organizations that have helped them learn. It's no coincidence, for example, that colleges and schools are blessed with the strongest alumni associations. But this love of learning applies across all businesses. The big public accounting firms now place a special emphasis on teaching their clients something that will help them manage their finances more effectively. Home Depot, the Home improvement retailer, proudly advertises their on-site experts who offer training on everything from plant care to grouting. …They have realized that learning always breeds loyalty.

Partnership and advice are the most advanced levels of customer expectation. If you can consistently meet these expectations, you will have successfully transformed prospects into advocates.

Gallup's research confirms what great managers know instinctively. Forcing your employees to follow required steps only prevents customer dissatisfaction. If your goal is truly to satisfy, to create advocates, then the step-by-step approach alone cannot get you there. Instead you must select employees who have the talent to listen and to teach, and then you must focus them toward simple emotional outcomes like partnership and advice. This is not easy to do, but it does have one decidedly appealing feature. If you can do it successfully, it is very hard to steal.

All of these rules of thumb help great managers decide how much of the role should be structured and how much should be left up to the employee's discretion. But even though some aspects of the role will indeed require conformity to steps or standards, great managers still place the premium on the role's outcomes. They use these outcomes to inspire, to orient, and to evaluate their employees. The outcomes are the point.

Buckingham & Coffman.  First, Break All The Rules  New York: Simon & Schuster © 1999

My apologies - even though it was published in Forbes is an URBAN LEGEND!!!

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a Homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

"We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.

"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and Homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
 

The president wasn't touched.... He was shocked. "Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery." "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly.  "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes.   He glanced at the gingham dress and Homespun suit, then exclaimed,  "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs?   We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing.

A TRUE STORY ----- by Malcolm Forbes
 

forwarded to me by Bob Wimbush (FL)

"Unlike the school world, the real world can ask for competence and usually gets it."

In the real world, whenever anyone is asked to do anything at work, at Home or anywhere else, competence is the minimum expected and accepted. The obvious reason for expecting competence is to get the task done properly. But there is a further important reason. If we are asked to do something we believe is useful by people who care about us and we do it well, both the askers and the asked feel good and the relationship between them is strengthened. As this happens, the work tends to continue to improve. Therefore, the bargain that people in the real world make and almost always keep with anyone they ask to do anything is: What I am asking you to do is useful. If you do not see its usefulness, I am more than willing to explain it to you. For a variety of reasons, while you may not like to do what is asked, i.e., it's boring, difficult, strenuous, not enough pay, etc., you almost always know there is a good reason for being asked to do it.

In order to make the work more palatable, because a lot of work is not inherently pleasant, successful managers care about how their workers feel. It is this care that keeps workers working hard even when the work itself is unpleasant. Caring management pays off because the quality of work is directly proportional to how well workers get along with each other and with their manager. This is an axiom; it applies to schools as much as it does anywhere else.

"The school world, unlike the real world, does not ask for competence."

The school world is vastly different from the real world described above. While the students are the workers and the teachers are their immediate managers, school teachers do not demand competence from students. To get credit, students can get as low as a D, and the grades disadvantaged students receive are predominantly C's and D's. Few students who get below a B come even close to doing competent work and no one knows this more than the students themselves. The working motto of underachieving students when questioned about their work is, "It's good enough." If school is supposed to prepare students for the real world, the present system of giving credit for "good enough" which in turn leads to social promotion is a miserable failure.

Excerpt from: Competency Based Classroom Dr. William Glasser 2001

How to prevail: Stand united!

One of Aesop's fables tells of a farmer who had a quarrelsome family. After trying in vain to reconcile their differences with words, the farmer thought he might more readily prevail by showing an example. So he called his sons and told them to lay a bunch of sticks before him. Then, after tying the sticks into a bundle, he told the lads, one after another, to lift the bundle and break it. They all tried, but tried in vain. Then, untying the bundle, the farmer gave his sons the sticks to break one by one. This they did with the greatest ease. Then the father pointed out this lesson: "Thus, my sons, as long as you remain united, you are a match for all your enemies, but differ and separate, and you are undone."