December 2006

Make It Safe for Them Not to Answer

Sometimes even the most skillful question provokes offensiveness.  You ask a question out of genuine caring toward the other person and a genuine desire to learn, and still they react by shutting down, defending, counter attacking, accusing you of bad intentions, or changing the subject.

One response is to say that you are trying to help and that there is no need to be defensive, and then continue to press for an answer.  But this can be experienced as an attempt to control them, provoking further resistance.  It's better to make your question an invitation rather than a demand, and to make that clear.  The difference is that an invitation can be declined without penalty.  This offers a greater sense of safety and, especially if the other person declines to respond and your reaction makes that okay, it builds trust between you.

Whether you are talking to your boss or your eight-year-old daughter, giving them the choice of whether to answer increases the chance that they will respond and respond honestly.  Even if they don't answer now, they may later, after thinking about it.  Knowing that it's their choice underscores your caring intent and frees them to think about the question.

Stone, Patton & Heen   Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most © 1999

November 2006

The number one problem in business and education today is the unwillingness to accept responsibility and the willingness to blame others.

The key to accepting responsibility is self-evaluation.   Remember that no one will change their behavior until they decide that what they are doing isn't working.

Let's personalize this.  If I said to you, “You need to lose some weight."  "I've noticed you're getting a little flabby and need to work out more."  "You look terrible.  You need to get more sleep."  How much would you listen to me?  If we have a great relationship, you might consider what I say.

Consider the difference if I ask questions.  "Do you think you'd benefit from eating more healthy foods?"  Do you think that a regular exercise plan would be helpful for your health?"  "Do you think you're getting as much sleep as you need to be healthy and function at full potential?"

Of course, the key is "what is your plan to eat healthy foods, exercise more regularly or improve your sleep habits?"

The questions that help us reflect are much more powerful than anything someone can tell us to do.

Bob Hoglund

October 2006

When clients and students tell you "wants" that you believe are unrealistic or unattainable, (at least in their present situation) as a follow-up question.  The following is an example from a training last month, where a teacher was playing a middle school student said that he didn't want to go to school.

Teacher:  What do you want from school?

Student:   Nothing!  I don't want to be here.

Teacher:  What would you do if you weren't in school?

Student:  Stay home, watch TV, play video games and be left alone.

At this point the teacher was a bit stuck because the want is not a legal option for a middle school student. I followed up with:

Bob:         If you stayed home and did all of those things, what would you be getting?

Student:   People wouldn't be telling me what to do and I'd be able to make my own choices.

Bob:         Is it really possible to stay home all the time when you're in Middle School?

Student:  No.

Bob:        Do you get in trouble and refuse to work when you are here in school?

Student:  Yeah.

Bob:        As dumb as this sounds, does that stop people from telling you what to do?

Student:  No.

Bob:       So are you choices at school getting you more freedom?

Student:  No

Bob:        So what does that tell you?

Student:   I need to do my work and stay out of trouble.

When there is a want that we can't help someone get, it is always a good idea to add the question, "If you had (what you say you want), what would be different?"  Most of the time, this will provide the opening to have the person evaluate whether the want is a realistic one.   

Bob Hoglund

September 2006    Slow down or Speed up.

When change hits, a common response is caution.  Faced with the unfamiliar, surrounded by uncertainty, the organization gears down.

But on the surface, it makes sense.  You really can't do much to reduce the speed of change.  But if you slow down, you somehow feel little safer.  So people put on the brakes, hoping to buy some time.

But change won't wait on you.  You simply don't have time to take your time.

"Carefulness" actually gets dangerous when it creates a culture of caution - paralysis sets in, the organization loses momentum, and problems start to multiply.  Under today's conditions, slowing down is the most hazardous move you could make.

Hurry needs to become the normal style, and merely picking up the pace a little won't work.  Competition moves so fast.  Markets change so quickly.  Technology advances at a dead run.  The world wants instant everything.  The result?  Good goes bad in a hurry.  And the level of performance that qualifies you as a winner today can make you a has-been tomorrow.

Do everything possible to accelerate, to create a culture with quicker reflexes.  Hustle.  Put speed and responsiveness into every aspect of the business.  Help get rid of bureaucratic practices" busy work” that bog down productivity.  Break down the boundaries between workgroups, so communication flows fast and freely.  Understand that the organization can't afford to carry any extra weight, and the downsizing and de-layering may be needed to create a leaner, fleeter, more agile outfit.  Don't resist change, because that's a drag on the organization.  The culture counts on you to give it a sense of urgency.

Slowing down gives you the feeling that you're safer, more in control.  But the feeling is false.  Picking up speed protects you better in today's world of high velocity change.

Pritchett, Price  Culture Shift

August 2006

Many people are experiencing major changes in their schools and organizations.  Sometimes it’s good to step back and ask, “Is the way I’m handling the changes reducing or creating more stress?”

Prichett and Pound (2006) write:  “…trying to control matters that we personally can't control is a pure waste of time.  It's a bad investment of our psychological energy.  It also weakens our ability to deal with other issues where our efforts could produce a real payoff.”

Are you focusing on the areas that have a greater payoff or adding to your stress level?

Bob Hoglund

*Price Prichett& Ron Pound (2006) The Stress of Organizational Change.

July 2006

Leadership is not the same as the exercise of power.  If I held a loaded gun to your head, I can get you to do things you might not otherwise do, but I've not practiced leadership; I've exercised power.  Leadership only exists if people follow when they have the freedom not to.  If people follow you because they have no choice, then you are not leading.

George McGregor Burns  Leadership ©1978

June 2006     What Are Your Options?

If you try to ignore the situation, change will slam you and knock you off balance. 

Getting angry won’t make it go away - in fact, temper typically makes things worse.

Wishful thinking is a waste of time too, so don’t sit around thinking and talking about “the good old days” with the hope they’ll return.

You can’t even run away from it, because there’s no place you can run that’s beyond the range of change.

Might as well face the problems and find the opportunities.

How you think, and how you act, become very important during times like these.

Obviously, you won’t be able to control everything that happens to you.  But you’re in complete control of how you respond to what happens.

This is the Age of Instability, where managing change is everybody’s job.

Think of it as your personal assignment.

The Employee Handbook for Organizational Change by Price Pritchett and Ron Pound

May 2006    

Professionalism Dos and Don'ts

Do:

•   Choose to be a professional.

•   Make the commitment to yourself to continually grow.

•   Set yourself apart from the crowd.

•   Raise the bar on what you expect of yourself.

•   Pursue a lifetime quest for excellence.

•   Take pride in yourself and your work.

Don't:

•   Settle for mediocrity.

•   Look for the easy way.

•   Expect it to be easy.

Jim Ball  Professionalism is for Everyone © 2001

April 2006     Treat "Behavior" like Academics…

Many years ago I started a pilot project called the “Responsibility Room” in a local school.  “Responsibility Room” was the name given to the time-out room, because it was more in line with teaching and correcting behavior than punishing.

The entire faculty attended a two-day workshop in Choice Theory®, Reality Therapy, Intervention Strategies and Class Meetings.  (The training evolved into Educating for Responsibility and Quality ™.)  I was invited to an after school faculty meeting a few months later to discuss what was working and what problems needed to be addressed.  One teacher said that she had sent a student 4 or 5 times in the two months, so the program obviously didn’t work.  Before I could answer, the principal stood up and said, “If a child doesn’t know how to read or reads below grade level, we will leave him in a reading class at least through 8^th grade, if not through through 12th grade.  But, when we have a child that doesn’t behave we want him to be “fixed” in one or two conversations.  That would be like having a poor reader get to grade level in two class periods.”

Tip:  Work on your own perceptions.  Work on thinking about poor behavior the way you do of poor reading, spelling, writing, math, etc.

Bob Hoglund

March 2006    Be specific with your “Evaluation Questions”

February 2006    SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD NOT LISTEN

Just like there is a list of things and people you should listen to, there is also a list of things and people you should not listen to.

• Do not listen to someone who is broke tell you how to be rich.

• Do not listen to a fat doctor that smokes tell you what it takes to be healthy.

• Do not listen to someone tell you how to be successful when they are not.

• Do not listen to a preacher tell you that you are a worthless sinner.

• Do not listen to people who talk bad about other people.

• Do not listen to office gossip.

• Do not listen to anyone put you down for any reason at any time.

• Do not listen to yourself when you are talking bad about yourself.

Shut Up, Stop Whining and Get a Life.  Larry Winget  © 2005